Wild Apple Protests Any Involvement in Wall Street Protests
October 4, 2011
Passionate ‘Occupy Wall Street’ dissidents continue to protest corporate greed, economic injustice, environmental degradation, education financing cuts, and [your issue here]. “We thought we should take a stand against sub-par quality artwork,” said Wild Apple spokeswoman Shirley U. Geste, “but apparently that was the one issue not included on the agenda. We originally heard it was ‘Occupy the Wall in the Suite,’ which is exactly where the art should go.”
Wild Apple's Role Questioned in "All My Children" Cancellation
September 25, 2011
Rampant speculation regarding ABC's termination of the 41 year old soap opera “All My Children” placed the blame on an insufficient amount of Wild Apple artwork on the set. Susan Lucci, the Emmy winning actress who played the fictional Erica Kane, was not available for comment. Wild Apple spokesman Telly Vision stated, “Are you saying that show was fictional?”
Steve Jobs Not Resigning From Wild Apple
August 25, 2011
Wild Apple proudly announced that while legendary businessman Steve Jobs quit his leadership post at Apple Inc., he did not resign from Wild Apple. "We're delighted that Steve maintains exactly the same relationship he has always had with Wild Apple," commented spokesperson Bob Frapples, "even if that relationship was non-existent." The all-Mac creative department celebrated with black turtleneck & blue jean uniforms, while the PC crowd celebrated by yawning.
S&P Downgrade Exempts Wild Apple
August 9, 2011
Wild Apple’s AAA art rating was unaffected by the controversial S&P downgrade roiling art markets worldwide. Amidst an avalanche of negative news, rates of interest in Wild Apple art remained at historic highs. “We’re still in Treasuries,” claimed Chief Financial Officer E. Z. Money, “treasuries of artwork, that is."
Wild Apple Snubbed for Royal Guest List
April 29, 2011
No official statement has been forthcoming from Wild Apple as it was summarily shut out of the monarchists' big fat royal wedding. Company personnel kept calm and carried on. Defending the intentional omission, Prince William noted, "I do not want the bride's beauty to be overshadowed by Wild Apple's astonishingly striking and artistic floral arrangements. You can see how a sovereign would be concerned," he continued, adding, "Plus those Wild Apples are a royal pain in the arse art."
"What Revolution?"
April 7, 2011
A controversial theory, apparently emanating from an obscure Vermont publishing outfit, holds that the current turmoil in Libya can be traced to a long-standing lack of artwork in the country. Since his 1969 military coup, Muammar Gaddafi has been denounced for censorship, repression, state-sponsored terrorism and brutal lack of home decorating taste. Gaddafi joined the Axis of Evil Art Haters alongside terrorist pariahs Kim Jong Il, Saddam Hussein, and Charlie Sheen. Encouraged by the international community to Buy Art, Gaddafi instead imposed a No Buy Zone.
Oprah's Wild Sister?
January 30, 2011
Wild Apple backed off from its claim to be the long lost half-sister company to media powerhouse Oprah Winfrey Network. “We, uh, thought it might attract a lot of media attention,” explained Wild Apple spokesperson Pete Sake. “But our artwork already gets great ratings, so we don’t need to pull such a desperate publicity stunt.”
Wild WikiLeaks Alleged
December 13, 2010
Accused of leaking thousands of classified images and endangering publisher security, Wild Apple spokesperson Justin Case attempted to clear up the confusion. “It is true that we continually introduce a flood of digital picture documents (“piki’s”) to the public from Art Development, which is a great department, not the State Department.”
Wild Apple Healthy Art Care Reform
March 29, 2010
Unexpectedly drawn into the national health debate, company spokesperson Dr. Hugh Fielgud clarified the official position that a wild apple a day keeps the doctor away… and keeps the doctor’s office well-decorated. “We are dedicated to universal coverage – of Wild Apple artwork on everyone’s walls, regardless of pre-existing conditions.”
Wild Apple In Late Night Television?
January 17, 2010
Wild Apple was surprised to find itself embroiled in the late night talk show wars. as Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien accused the art publisher of trying to kick them out of their preferred schedules. Company spokesperson Mabel Syrup said the mix-up was somewhat understandable. "We tried to explain to NBC* that we were introducing a new catalogue, not monologue," she explained. "They thought we were after their programs when all we said was that we stay up late nights developing new imagery. We do agree that every time slot is right for good artwork."
* Not Bad Content
Wild Apple Denies Involvement in Balloon Hoax
October 23, 2009
Wild Apple vehemently denied staging a media stunt watched by millions after a 9-1-1 call from tearful employees claimed their boss might be trapped in a drifting saucer-shaped balloon. Emerging from the warehouse attic where he had been hiding, company owner and janitor J. Chestnut stated, “The claim that we’ll do anything for publicity is ridiculous. This incident had nothing to do with pursuing reality TV or talk shows. Do you hear me, Larry King? Simon? Oprah?”
Federal Art Trade-In Program Advocated
August 5, 2009
Following the unexpectedly successful “Cash for Clunkers” program, Wild Apple proposed a similar plan called “Payola For Posters.” The visual stimulus program would replace unattractive eyesores polluting America’s walls with beautiful fuel-efficient, low-emission artwork. Proposed tag lines include: “Trade in your horrible for something adorable,” and “Swap out art that’s ugly for some that fits snugly.”
Wild Apple Disavows Link to North Korean Nukes
June 9, 2009
Categorically denying direct involvement with any axis of mischief, Wild Apple’s reclusive dictator, Kim Jong Chestil, stated, “We are tired of being maliciously misquoted. It is true that we have had many successful launches – but of artwork, not missiles. Yes, Wild Apple art is the bomb, but that is just an expression. And we don’t project nuclear products, we offer new, clearly inspired images.” While refuting the various allegations, he did concede that people go ballistic over Wild Apple’s weapons of mass innovation.
Wild Apple Defends Bonus Policy
March 6, 2009
Facing down accusations of outrageous bonuses during a downturn in the nation’s economy, company spokesperson O. Verpade stated, “Wild Apple stands by its policy of doling out massive bonuses… to all of its hardworking customers in the form of great new art.” He went on to distinguish between art-backed securities and securely backed art. “Why is everyone so down on AIG? Doesn't it stand for Art Is Good?”
Art Bailout Package?
February 17, 2009
An alternative economic recovery plan put forward by an obscure industry group places the focus squarely on art. “Everyone knows fixing this economy is more art than science. And more art is the answer,” said lawmaker Lois Denominator. “Stimulus is the goal; what’s more stimulating than art? Why spend on pork when you can invest in oils & acrylics?” Chances of the proposed legislation moving forward were given approximately the same odds as getting your money back from Bernie Madoff.
Art-icle Accelerator Tested
September 10, 2008
Wild Apple scientists claimed to have completed the first stage of an ambitious project launching artwork at extreme velocities. Asked if they were confusing the “Art-icle” with the “Particle” Accelerator, Theo Retical explained, “Huh?” Elaborating further, he went on to state, “Our artwork originates with great momentum, gathers speed, and as it collides with customers, creates optimal conditions of smashing success.”
Olympic Torch Gone Wild
April 11, 2008
Wild Apple officials sought to calm the international community, denying any direct involvement in the Olympics or the torch relay. “It’s perfectly reasonable that people would be confused,” stated company spokesperson Dalilah Mah. “Wild Apple’s images are on fire, they’re worldwide, and many customers carry the torch for Wild Apple.”
Wild Apple Denies Ties to Client #9
March 17, 2008
While acknowledging the seductive power of their artwork, and admitting that the company has in fact exchanged art for money, Wild Apple officials repudiated any involvement in the high profile case embroiling New York’s exiting governor. “It’s ironic that the crusader who cracked down on illegal art rings succumbed to its attractions,” said spokesperson Garr Denoviden. “For what he spent, he could have collected so much Wild Apple art – and it would have lasted a lot longer too.”
Wild Times Hit Hard by Writers Strike
January 20, 2008
Almost News: The Wild Times faced a shortage of material due to the writers strike and not, as rumored, due to sheer laziness of the author. Putting a positive spin on a tough situation, company spokesperson L. Wright said, “Fortunately for us, nobody really noticed. We’re lucky that way – nobody actually reads this column.” Applying the scientific formula stating that 1 Picture = 1,000 Words, Wild Apple already offers the equivalent of over 3 million words. Good words, at that.
Wild Apple Unimplicated In Barry Bonds Case
November 16, 2007
Wild Apple escaped unharmed by the scandal surrounding Barry Bonds’ alleged use of drugs. Company spokesman O. Verdose commented, “While it is true that Wild Apple can be addicting, and use of Wild Apple artwork is performance-enhancing, the pumped-up nature of the imagery has not been proven to be a result of steroids.” Speculation had linked baseball’s 7-time MVP to Wild Apple because of their comparable home run records.
Wild Apple Unscathed by Subprime Turmoil
September 4, 2007
Wild Apple has been untouched by subprime market woes, despite high rates of interest in its artwork. “We refuse to mortgage our future on subprime art,” said company CFO Mark Etrate. “There’s a lot of talk about red ink out there, but the only red ink we use is printing great art.” He credited Wild Apple’s variable body of artwork and its fixed emphasis on quality, fun, and chocolate.
iPhony Rips Off Wild Apple
July 1, 2007
With the frenzied media hype surrounding the long-anticipated product, it's no wonder that a flood of illegal Chinese fake Wild Apple iPhonies hit the market. The counterfeit iPhony features thousands of stolen iOils, iWatercolors, iFlorals and iLandscapes in an easy-to-steal format.
Wild Apple: A Sewer Thing
June 27, 2007
Misunderstanding the New England accent, Wild Apple employees rushed to the announced outdoor "party," which actually turned out to be "potty." It seems the wild septic system went a little too wild, allowing the company to experience some old-time out-house fun. Flushed with the enjoyment of it all, employees nevertheless found relief when the new-fangled indoor plumbing kicked back in.
Wild Apple: A Sewer Thing
June 27, 2007
Misunderstanding the New England accent, Wild Apple employees rushed to the announced outdoor "party," which actually turned out to be "potty." It seems the wild septic system went a little too wild, allowing the company to experience some old-time out-house fun. Flushed with the enjoyment of it all, employees nevertheless found relief when the new-fangled indoor plumbing kicked back in.
Paris Hilton Out of Jail - The Real Story?
June 8, 2007
After serving only three full days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released from jail early Thursday. The ostensible reason given to the public was a "medical" issue, but discredited sources report that the judge "bought" Hilton's argument that her undecorated prison cell constituted "cruel and unusual" punishment because it lacked any Wild Apple artwork.
Human Cloning Wildly Successful
April 23, 2007
Applying the same principles and state of the art equipment used in high end art reproduction, Wild Apple's technical team stumbled across an entirely new approach to human cloning. "I thought, hey, I would bring so much joy to my co-workers, if I could just clone myself," said company humanitarian Rob Vaughan. So far the clones have not exhibited a typically colorful Wild Apple personality, as Vaughan admits they are "still working out the last few details." (See photo.)
Solar Apple?
February 7, 2007
Embracing the green movement with open paintbrushes, Wild Apple introduces its line of solar-powered posters. "It's incredible. These posters run on simple sunlight, and they last a long time," said N.V. Ronment. "Now human activity is contributing to positive climate change - in your house with great art."
Wild Oscar Nominations
January 24, 2007
Throngs of avid fans protested the omission of Wild Apple from the Oscar nominations announced this week. "Just because they aren't motion pictures is no excuse,” complained diehard art lover Mo V. Kritick. “The Academy needs to put its head on straight. Wild Apple offers hundreds of images that clearly deserve awards for Best Picture.”
No Poisoned Apple
December 6, 2006
Following the mysterious death of Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko, Wild Apple categorically denied using poloniom 210 in any of its art reproduction posters. "Our artwork does emit a vibrant glow, and it may be the hottest thing since the cold war, but it's not nuclear. Or nucular or however you say it," said spokesman R. D. O. Aktiv.
Rumsfeld Rumor: Wild Apple Involved?
November 9, 2006
Widespread and painstakingly undocumented rumors circulated Washington that Wild Apple engineered the Defense Secretary's resignation yesterday. The obscure Vermont company found ample evidence of Weapons of Artistic Construction in many countries throughout the world, and it successfully championed its "Make Art, Not War" campaign. No one anywhere was willing to comment on record.
Landslide Votes for Art
November 7, 2006
Amidst a sea of close midterm elections, one party scored runaway victories across the country. The splinter Buy Art Party, having rejected mainstream political groups, succeeded at the polls with its pro-art, pro-beauty, pro-chocolate platform. Asked about its unconventional write-in campaign, coalition member Polly Tishin commented, "It wasn't so much of a write-in as a draw-in, paint-in, or sketch-in. Those ballots were so drab before we got our hands on them."
Google Fails in Bid for Wild Apple, Settles for YouTube
October 10, 2006
Wall Street is buzzing about Google’s $1.6 billion acquisition of online video company YouTube. According to undisclosed and highly unreliable sources, YouTube was Google’s second choice, after an unsuccessful offer for Wild Aaaple. Owner and janitor John Chesthair stated that Google’s offer was not sufficient, adding, “We’re not giving away the company, after all. Now, if they had offered $1.7 billion, we might have listened.” Asked to comment on Google’s high price for YouTube, a company with little revenues and no profits, he said, “Hell, we could do that and more.”
Pluto Demoted; Planet Wild Apple On Course
August 24, 2006
“Woodstock, we have a problem.” Having feared the worst, astrophysicists at NASA (Nice Art Suitable for All) celebrated Wild Apple’s secure status in the art universe, even in the face of Pluto’s decommissioning from planet classification. Great art continues to revolve around the gravitational pull of Wild Apple. “We’re sorry to lose Pluto,” said R. Bitt. “It’s common knowledge that the Moon is made of cheese. What’s not so well known is that Pluto is made of chocolate, and thereforewe think it should be upgraded, not downgraded.”
Wild Apples Not On A Plane
August 23, 2006
Wild Apple declined participation in the sequel to Snakes On A Plane, the blockbuster hit film. “We just didn’t think Snakes On A Poster had the same dramatic impact,” commented spokesman Dee Fang. “Snakes On An Artist wasn’t much better.” The company also rejected the submission from the Chinese art printing industry, Fakes on a Plane.
Wild Apple Rumored in Options Scandal
August 10, 2006
Unconfirmed reports circulated the Wall Street interior decorating community suggesting Wild Apple may be involved the SEC's sweeping investigation into the use of options. In response to questioning, Art Director Laurie Chester commented, "It is a true statement that WIld Apple offers options. The number of great options in artwork is indeed almost scandalous. However, in our case, our art options are updated - not backdated."
Wild Apple Alleged to Cause Global Warming
July 12, 2006
A new theory on the causes of global warming puts the blame squarely on Wild Apple. Dozens of scientists, after a decade or more of careful study, offered the explanation in a scholarly journal. "Wild Apple artwork has warmed up rooms in homes all over the world," said one of the researchers. "The cumulative effect is measurable."
Fed Chair Comments on Wild Apple Result in Mayhem on Wall Street
June 13, 2006
Noting Wild Apple’s determined 12 year campaign against inflation without a single price hike, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke inadvertently wreaked havoc on the financial world. Explaining that his comments were wildly misconstrued, Bernanke stated, “What I said was I viewed Wild Apple with a great deal of interest and rate them high, not that they cause high interest rates.” Furthermore he mentioned that Wild Apple “is on the rise and cooking with gas,” and in no way equated the company with rising gas prices.
World Cup Soccer Missing Key Players
June 9, 2006
In a rising controversy drawing international protests and marauding soccer hooligans, not one employee from Team Wild Apple was chosen for World Cup play. “This proves the unfair bias in favor of professionals,” said Belinda Clarke, one of several early-morning soccer players from Wild Apple. “Superior soccer skills aren’t everything, you know. Being in the art business, our style of play is better looking and more artistic.”
Katie Couric Ignores Wild Apple, Signs with CBS
April 5, 2006
After 15 years hosting NBC’s Today Show, Katie Couric told viewers that she is leaving to join CBS, where she will become the first woman appointed to anchor a network evening newscast alone. Astonishingly, she did not even apply to be spokesperson for Wild Apple. No comments surrounding the controversy were forthcoming, nor were indications made as to the wall décor choices on the CBS News set.
Apple Records Omits Wild Apple in Suit Against Apple Computer
March 29, 2006
Dodging a legal bullet, Wild Apple was not included in a trademark suit brought by Apple Records against Apple Computer. “It may have been because Wild Apple has no music-based product, but we suspect it was Wild Apple’s intimidating 4-figure legal budget that did it,” commented Wild Apple attorney R. L. Evant.
Wild Apple Employees Safe After Vice-Presidential Shooting Incident
February 11, 2006
Not one employee of Wild Apple was shot or injured in any way in connection with the Vice President’s so-called hunting accident. A company spokesperson ascribed the positive outcome to employees' possession of "artistic license, not hunting license." With the media full of heart-breaking news stories, it’s a treat to present a feel-good story like this.
Wild Apple Denies Multi-Million Dollar Payoff Through Jack Abramoff
September 15, 2005
Denying allegations of lobbying congressmen and senators for favored placement of Wild Apple artwork in government buildings, company spokesman N. B. Leevabul flatly stated, “Jack who?”